i am free

I have made an astonishing discovery. I can not have an authentic relationship with God when Jesus Christ is my personal Savior.

All my life I have been told, taught and brainwashed into believing that the only way I could connect with God is through the person of Jesus Christ. In fact it is the complete opposite. Think of it this way. If I wanted to talk to my mother but the only way she would talk to me is through another person, how could I have a real relationship with her? I couldn’t. I could have a sort of relationship but not a direct, authentic relationship. It would be distorted through the filters of that person. If my partner was alcoholic and could not be with me unless he/she had alcohol in his/her system, I would have to go through the alcohol to get to him/her. I could not have a direct relationship. My view of him/her would be distorted by the alcohol as well as his/her view of me.

I am TIRED of going through anything or anyone to get to the truth. I had a dream years ago that I was a spirit and in a sort of citadel with all of the people that I know. I decided that I wanted to exit this citadel and I wanted everyone to follow me out. It was very important to me that they follow so that I would not be alone on the other side. They all started to follow me as I floated…more like zoomed toward the sliding glass doors. I was excited to leave, as if I was going on an adventure. As soon as I was through, the doors slid shut behind me and when I turned around expecting to see my followers, I was alone. Except for the citadel there was nothing around me except white fuzziness. I was petrified. Then someone appeared. At first I thought it was my (at the time) fiancé. I grabbed on to this person and hugged him to feel safe. As soon as I did I knew it was Jesus, my saviour. I hugged him tighter and he whispered in my ear. It is time to go alone now. I was afraid but had a deep willingness and strength and told him “Okay, I will.”
Since then, I had been trying to figure out exactly what he meant by that. Did I have to be physically alone, in isolation like a monk or a nun? Did I have to be single for the rest of my life? Now I understand at a deeper level what he meant. And here is the ironic part. He meant that I did not need HIM to have an authentic relationship with God!!! He meant that he is NOT my Savior. I was used to being told that I could not find fulfillment and satisfaction to fill my “God shaped whole” with anything but Jesus Christ. But now I know that the only thing that can fill my God shaped whole is God (and in fact I do not have a whole at all. I am already filled and have been all along). I tried using food, other people that I thought had it “Right”, or that I thought were better than me somehow, more holy than me or had a stronger connection with God than me. And I tried using Jesus himself, but you know what, he was just another person that I THOUGHT had a better connection with God than me.

I have experienced grief and heartache by going through people or things to get to my heart and my truth. I don’t want an intermediary any more. And I don’t want to be one either! It’s no wonder that I chose to become an interpreter. I got to be Jesus, an intermediary between people that seem to need one. No more. I do not want to be that person any more. I can not save people and they can not save me because there is no need to be saved. We have always had a direct relationship with God because we are of God!

Its no wonder why I have been so angry at myself for being addicted to food and for being co-dependent. My need to have a savior (addiction), or a way to feel safer in the world, has been a perfect reflection of the lie that I have believed until now; I need someone else to go through to have a real, meaningful connection with the Creator. I have wanted to control my addiction and force myself to stop using so that I could connect with my authentic self. I have been frustrated because I could not control my addiction. I have pushed and pushed and pushed until I was completely worn out. Now I see that trying to push the addictionout of the way so that i could be authentic was like trying to push Jesus out of the way so I could connect with the Creator, only I was too scared to do that because I was told that if I connected directly with God, I would spend eternity separated from God. Ironic isn’t it? I would be punished if I did not settle for a less than God him/herself, if I settled for a distorted relationship with God; a distorted relationship with myself.
The ultimate co-dependent relationship; I want to connect with God and am told that if I do, I will be punished forever so I give my right to connect directly over to Jesus (or food or drugs or other people, places or things) and then live with the anger of having given away my power, my right. No more. NO MORE!!! I am free.